One year

one year that will change your life. This is what I signed up for right? I mean no one said it would be easy and no one said it would be hard…..they did say it will be what you make of it. My attitude going into bible school was “how hard could it be?” While it may not be as academically challenging as I would have hoped the things that the Lord has taught me are to numerous to write down. One thing I have been learning is about walls. yes, I said walls. not all are the same, height,thickness, color….they all vary. some of us have windows and doors on our walls, while others are completely closed off. Coming here mine were the later…I was so secure in my walls, my strength I was focused on helping others with their difficulties, and I absolutely loved it. Then I came here and people began encouraging me to focus on my own problems and get hem “fixed”. Seriously, how do you “fix” yourself? So I did, i focused on ME and MY problems….and let me tell you being weak and selfish just about destroyed me. I know there needs to come a time when I let someone else take care of me and be there for me but when I focus on others who aren’t strong enough on there own that is where I trust God the most. Because focusing on ME causes your world to fall apart, focusing on others causes you to thank God for how easy your life truly is compared to the sufferings of others. What have I learned then? I need to give Christ my burdens and problems not other people he is the only one who can truly take care of them, but I also need to be opened to others and let them in my life and not just me in their life. but find the balance…put your trust in man and you will fall but use the body of believers to lean on. Put your trust in God and you will NEVER fall, but use all his many gifts without hesitation. those are my thoughts kind of jumbled together….but hey GOD IS GOOD!

A day of love

TOmorrow is valentines day. Singles awareness day? However you want to look at it it’s a day of love. A day to show that special girl you love her. I am single….so tomorrow could be a rough day depending on what I make of it. At this point many people expect the ” I don’t need a man” line….but hey that is not completely true for me. On one hand I literally don’t. I trusted my heart with a boy once and he broke it…I trusted my heart with my heavenly father and he still holds me safely. BUT I also am looking forward to the day when ONE guy loves me and I am the only girl in his life, the only one he loves for all his life. See valentines day can be a sad day for us single ladies but we can choose to look at it and say ok, I am single today..so who am I going to walk up to and make them feel loved, make them feel worth it? who ever said valentines day was for a guy to make a girl feel special wasn’t looking at the big picture. This day of roses and chocolate is the perfect day for me as a single woman to make someone else feel special and loved….maybe the girl in the corner needs a random hug, maybe the man you pass by on the streets needs a random smile. Give someone a random encouraging note. Don’t sit around waiting for that special guy to give you a Valentine..one day he will come how much more attractive will we young ladies be if they find us loving others, working to make someone else happy!

Though waters roar

What do you do when you receive a call that goes something like this: “Nikki, your 9 year old sister is on the way to the hospital with a cracked skull.” Instantly questions flood my mind…but I can’t cry, I can’t break down your 5 younger siblings need you. Your Father needs you….My dad, a strong man his voice is cracking over the phone. So I will be strong, right now my fears can’t get in the way. So I hung up the phone and cried like never before….will she die, will she remember, can they help her…GOD WHY?! But still I received no answer other then, don’t worry trust me I’ve got a plan. I KNOW My God has a plan and will not harm my little sister…..trusting God in the good times is easy….its here my faith is tested. I will not believe the worst but I know I can’t bank on the Best. But I can cry out to God and ask Him to carry me!So though the waters roar I will keep walking through this. People need me right now I can’t not be weak.

She was only 18 just starting life,
she was to young to die,
she was just starting to fly.
Silently I screamed, a yelled out his name
give me an answer, is this a sick game?!
I don’t understand I’m falling apart
then silently something spoke to my heart.

silently you screamed you called out my name.
I heard you, I felt your pain
You question my motives
but this isn’t a game, This is my plan,
I’ll gladly show you just take my hand.
her life wasn’t short its not even over.
She’s no longer with you
and for that you grieve.
But let me tell you she never did leave.
I took her from you, I want her with me.
What is the meaning? you still don’t know?
This is where you go back
This is where you grow.

I looked up at him, my eyes searching his
I still can’t see I need to know why?
What does it mean am I meant to know?
I feel like I’m falling, gasping for air
I feel alone But I know you care.

He looked at me tears running down.
Daughter I love you let me tell you why.
She died to show the World what she did for me.
she died so I could have her in heaven with me.
selfishly you want her back, but that can’t be
She is singing, dancing, and laughing out loud
Do you really want to take her back now?
The impact she had, the love that she showed?
don’t ever, ever let that go.
you need to get out there,
you need to share, her story continues
So where will you go from here?

Silently I prayed I called on his name.
Jesus, hear this cry.
I’ll never give up, I’ll stop asking why.
Because you are in control, I’ll give it my all
I’ll go out, declare your name
I’ll bring the sheep to the shepherd
Not one more moment will I waste
Not one more person I’ll watch go by
I give you my life I declare it your own
But then from the beginning it was yours all along.
I can’t say good-bye, not now, not yet.
So long my dear friend.

Will you trust me?

Well the week is finally coming to an end….its been a difficult week. A week where I question God and his plans. Saturday night my friend christian died in a car accident. it was a devastating blow, he didn’t know the Lord. Did I fail? Was I the only one who could’ve shared truth with Him and didn’t? Then On Sunday My dear friend Nancy was also in a car accident and died. Why? Nancy did nothing But serve the Lord, with everyone she came into contact with she gave them Christ! I was close to her and miss her dearly! As I lay awake that night crying, I asked God to help me understand. You know what the answer was? It wasn’t a loud answer, it wasn’t anything I was looking for really. It was “Nikki, do you trust me? When this day is over will you still say I am sovereign?” For two long days and two long sleepless nights I begged God for a different answer….but it never came. That night completely exhausted I started thinking of both my friends. Christian chose to reject God…no matter how many times I could give him truth he made his choice. And Nancy, praise God she knew my savior, I didn’t say good bye because I’ll see her again someday. But she would want her testimony to push me closer to Christ not make me question. (and her love for God was such an encouragement to me, God used it to give me direction for my future, but that’s a God story for another time!) I prayed and asked God to take this pain and turn it into beauty for him…and you know what? He did! On the surface you would never see it, but my relationship with my savior is so much deeper and stronger now I can’t truly explain it. I still don’t understand why my friends are gone, I’m not sure I ever will, but I know My God is sovereign and I trust him fully. We say we are always searching for ourselves and who we are meant to be, each day i spend with my savior I become me….not in myself but in Him!! So while my week was spent with losing friends, many tears shed, and sleepless night I can still say my God is good!

’tis the season

I realized last night its been a while…so here is an update!! I am home on Break! We are given 1 month off which is so nice, but also really hard! at school its easier to live out my faith….but no one promised me it would be easy once I left. Thanksgiving was delicious and relaxing! I managed to snowboard and four-wheel. It made for a good day. I’ve mostly been chillin at home but I know I should be starting school work now. Last night I started thinking about Christmas…what it has become in our culture…in our world today. Now, know this about me….I LOVE Christmas! Its my favorite time of year. I am the girl that listens to Christmas music in July, decorations have to be big, and I drink and read by the light of the tree. My Christmas season starts the day before thanksgiving by watching the movie ‘the Christmas Card’ (super cute, cheesy movie…I recommend watching it!) and listening to the song ‘that’s what Christmas should be” By Hilary Duff (also a recommendation! ok so I listen to it like everyday!) There was once a time when Christmas was about friends and family, a time to just be together and appreciate what God has given you! Today Christmas is so commercialized, its all about the gifts…giving and receiving. and as much as I hate to admit I to fall into this trap. As a christian though, Christmas is a time of celebration. (Duh, its that way for everyone!) We are celebrating not just the birthday of Jesus, but I think we should be celebrating his death on the cross, burial, and resurrection. Because it took his birth to accomplish all of this. He saved my soul, he had to come in flesh and this started Christmas day. I’m not sure that many people, Christians for that matter think of this. Jesus is no longer a baby, he came that night to save us from the sin and depravity of this world…not to be looked at as the “cute little baby”. “Tis the season to be jolly is the phrase. Well it is!! Christ died for me…why wouldn’t I be happy and jolly!!! I have so much to be thankful for!!! So the next time you throw that phrase around….make sure you know its true! Because whatever your situation, we do have a reason to rejoice!

Who cut in?

Galatians 5:7 “you were running a good race, who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth?”

During my quiet time today I read this verse and it hit me like brick! I started this year off strong, really striving to serve the Lord and allow his will to be done in my life…what happened, what got in the way? Over the past 2 weeks I have learned that just because I am at bible school does not mean I will constantly want to pursue God with my whole being, it does not mean that everyone Loves the Lord, and it does not mean that being a Christian is easy. filling my head with knowledge has been such a blessing so far, but why am I not applying it to my life? TELLING others what I am learning is awesome, SHOWING them what I have learned is different. In a week and a half I go on Thanksgiving/Christmas break and know that the true test is coming…I’m not going to lie….it scares me a little. Am I strong enough to show my unsaved friends that being a follower of Christ is more then a check list of right and wrong? Can I show them the way Christ has changed my life? Can I show my Family its ok to talk about your faith? Can I show them that you can let your passion for Christ abound? Will I strive to follow Christ in HIS strength and not my own? I pray that the Lord will continue to give me the desire to serve Him and boldly stand out for Him!!

Roommate

One of my roommates left this morning. She heading out to use her beautiful voice for the Lord. We have only shared the same room for 2 months but it seriously feels like forever. Last night as we helped her pack she sat down in her chair and just stopped. When I asked her what was wrong she replied, “I think I’m going to puke. You get use to something, you start trusting people and in a moment it will be gone. I Know it’s not forever but still…” I think back on her words and it’s so true. We all knew coming to college that it wasn’t forever, that one day we would all go our separate ways yet it still feels like you are losing a family members. She has an amazing opportunity in this trip though and I am proud of her! But of course she and I being so similar crazy, a little too loud, and good friends we have decided that for each day we are apart we are going to write one word. The story behind that is this. I joking around said girl you better write me everyday, but you probably won’t have time. She said I’ll probably write you one word…so day one starts today…the first word I chose is sister. Because where ever we go whether in life or over break we will forever be sisters!

Satisfied in what?

Psalm 63
5) My soul will be satisfied as with the riches foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.6) On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of night.7) Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.8) My soul clings to you; your right hand will uphold me.
This is the passage of scripture my DC (or as we call her dorm mom) used in our weekly devotionals. I wanted to first share with you her main points and then share what the Lord taught me through this passage.
This is the outline I made for her devo.
When we pursue anything/one other than God I will be dissatisfied. (Vs 5)
We will be satisfied in God when….
1) I remember Him on my bed…remember God (Vs. 6a)
-Remember God’s faithfulness
2) I meditate on Him in the night watches….meditate on God (Vs. 6b)
-Listen and trust God
3) Recognize God’s help (Vs. 7a)
-How has God helped me today throughout life
4) Seek protection from God’s wings (Vs. 7b)
-Wait for God’s timing and will
5) Choose to cling to God (Vs. 8a)
-God loves me and is with me
6) Rest in God’s hands (Vs. 8b)
-Grasp God and he will uphold me.

All of this at one time to me seemed so basic, at one time I would have said sure…I know all of that. But for some reason hearing it fresh I saw this in a whole new light. The thoughts running through my head went something like this: When is the last time I just sat and listen to God? Why am I just reading his word to read? Do you even know what meditation looks like? Look at what God has brought you out of….stop being afraid to let go and trust him! You always have to be strong, you’re afraid of letting you guard down, let God protect you. Cling to Him, he is upholding you. Even if you feel like you are drowning he’s not going to turn his back and walk away…he’ll reach in a grab you. So what are you afraid of? Stop running!
(I assure you they went a lot faster and not so coherent.)
But I realized, God has brought me through so much…so why after coming out of that was I thinking he would/could let go now? I know he won’t and for that I am so thankful. Because lately I’ve kind of lost sight of God but I know he never once lost sight of me. He satisfied my soul why would I continue to look elsewhere?

The bubble

Someone once told me that college would be the best years of my life…..somehow it’s not all they said it would be. Don’t get me wrong I love school and digging into God’s word while sitting under some of the greatest theologians…but college is not real life. You are kept in this bubble….a very tight bubble. And true interaction with the “real” world is non-existent. I feel like it was just the other day but I know it was about two weeks ago…. one of my professors asked “how many of you know what’s happening in the world, or even your town”? Only a handful of students could raise their hands. To me that was somewhat upsetting. I’ll admit…I am not the best at keeping up on the news…..but I feel I have a pretty good grasp on what’s happening. For me its because I hate being out of the loop. Even though any college isn’t real life I especially feel bible school is FAR from real life. I guess this hit me when a young woman I had gotten to know over the past few weeks came to me with a problem….and me who enjoys helping people work out hard situation was all ears…but what she said was heartbreaking…..I don’t believe in Jesus, I am not saved. It hit me like a ton of bricks…..another friend unsaved, another girl from my generation not wanting anything to do with the Lord. This problem I can do nothing about accept give her Christ and pray! What does this have to do with being in a bubble….I started to get comfortable…started to feel normal when God said remember this isn’t life….there are still people in your midst that need me…will you tell them? Will you help them? Helping does not mean I can save them…helping means being there when they fall and being there ready to share when they call. I’m not saying pop the bubble…..lets make it bigger.